The Perfect Defect
by Zombie Kitty
Summary: Story of Rosemary a member of Rimmerworld, and then what happens to a certain new addition of the Red Dwarf crew when they arrive to save Rimmer. Chapter 12 now up!
1. Hidden

Disclaimer: Don't own any Red Dwarf stuff, blah blah blah,

Finally got it posted this is gonna be a long story have no idea how long but i''ve got a backlog of ideas as Robyn and Laura know, anyway read on please and don't forget to review - I need more reviews people!

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**The Perfect Defect**

Hidden

Rosemary sighed as she peered from her hiding place – a moss and waterfall covered cave, she watched as the water distorted landscape became shadowed as the sun began to set, and darkness fell on the beautiful planet she inhabited. She could see the lights and torches far below her, of the soldiers beginning their nightly pillaging and defect hunts.

She stepped away into the darkness and cowered at the back of the cave, they hadn't been found yet, but it wouldn't be long she knew, there were too back stabbing murderous cretins on this planet and they were trapped. She had eluded them for months, hiding in the cave, but she didn't know if they could for much longer.

Rosemary sighed, stood up and pulled down her dirt stained robe hood and looked at her reflection in a puddle of water, she was different to them, not so much in looks, in fact she had been genetically perfect, well not now, she hadn't cut her hair in months and it now tumbled in long messy locks down her back inside her robe.

She used to be a model Rimmerworld citizen, climbing the ranks anyway she could, but meeting him had changed her perception of life, and how she thought of her ancestors and the lies they told about their history, it was enough to make her vomit.

Amazingly it was only 9 nearly 10 months since she talked to him, completely by chance, starting the chain of events that changed her and changed her entire future…


	2. Encounters

FINALLY! Took me till 12:30am but now its copied up! just in time for me to go away tomorrow morning in like 5 hours!

Laura: Nooooo not crazy frog! anyway you better like it - You've been pestering me enough on msn.

Robyn: Yay hope you like this as much as other but you (and Lar) already know the two best jokes, hope you still like it.

Cazflibs: Lol I descriptive and tension building person!

Write read on people and I want more reviews for BOTH chapters so I better have a huge pile of reviews in my inbox when I get back or they'll be trouble! (I'll glare at you all evily on msn with my new webcam or send Tini (cat) to your houses to scratch you or rip your furniture up... maybe I'll just set my good friend Mister Flibble on you all - so remember REVIEW or die... in the most horrible horrible way!)

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Encounters

She had been watching the Sunday lion sacrifices when the Emperor had summoned her as he commanded that her overwhelming beauty must not be ignored. Rosemary had felt privileged at the time but soon saw this as a way to trick her way to the top, first coaxing the Emperor into making her a royal dancer then over the few short weeks she had been there, had fought off a lot of competition to be known as the girl to be reckoned with – the most ruthless and sneaky one of them all – the Emperor's rand hand snitch as it were.

She felt nothing for him though despite his advances and was toying with him teasing him to give her more control and power despite her official position still being just that of a royal dancer.

All that mattered to her was the status symbol – the royal "H", the symbol that had originally been installed after Adam and Jane had conquered this land – the Garden Of Eve from a weaker race and had laid claim to it, renaming it Rimmerworld.

One evening she was walking round the grounds looking for slave defects and the gardeners to insult, when high pitched and out of tune singing reached her ears. Rosemary spun round to discover the noise was coming from a small barred window under the palace – one of the dungeons. Feeling curious and cruel she knelt down next to the window and peered into the murky cell.

"Hello?"

"Someone to watch over me" The person replied deliriously, ignoring Rosemary, but at the same time making her wince due to his dreadful whiney voice.

"You can't sing you know." Rosemary said in a smug voice as the person in the cell paused for breath.

"Toastie Talker?" The person asked a moment later, almost in a whisper.

"Who?"

"Someone I used to argue with."

"Doesn't sound like a Rimmer."

"Hah, I'm Rimmer… Well I was."

"We're all Rimmer's – I'm Rosemary Rimmer and you don't deserve to be one if your in prison I could tell on your bad singing and get a raise from the Emperor you yellow livered coward!" Rosemary boasted as the person under the sheet shifted position and moved from the bed, scratching something on the wall using a small round object.

"What's that?"

"Worry ball – Titen or Kit or was it Kryten gave me it years ago…" The Rimmer trailed off, now grinding the worry ball with another, the silver glinting in the dim light, causing Rosemary to blink repeatedly.

"Who?" Rosemary asked as she rubbed her eyes.

"People I met…"

"When? Intruders?... You're probably mad… So what you do… madness isn't a crime here… Did you help an elder across the road or not laugh when someone fell in mud?"

"Created you."

"Don't talk rot."

"I made you because I couldn't properly read the smegging manual… probably would have happened if the first egg had been female – not a clone… still would have been a Rimmer…"

"You what?" I was born you smeg pot." Rosemary objected feeling annoyed and curious.

"Yes but I made your world… 600 years… surly been by now… they won't come, they won't come…" The Rimmer collapsed to the floor rocking backwards and forwards… "Can't count, can't count…" He continued in vain trying to count the days marked on the wall through the thin sheet but found his eyes hurting and the marks merging into one.

"What are you drivelling on about?" Rosemary scoffed.

"Not brave, I ran… left them to die… they'll leave me here to rot…"

"Who?"

"The Drifters… Drillers… Dwarfers or something…. I can't remember – I think I'm loosing my mind."

"No? Really?" Rosemary laughed sarcastically though the Rimmer appeared not to have noticed the sarcasm.

"Yes… Few hours for them – centuries for me." The figure started to sob where he was on the floor, still masked by Rosemary by the sheet, though she knew what he'd look like, it's people looking different she couldn't imagine

"If these people and your messed up story is true, what do they look like?"

"Can't remember… pigtails… black… car crash victim…" The Rimmer trailed off again mumbling under his breath.

"Riiite, I still think you need a gold member's card to the loony bin." Rosemary smirked as her interest faded and she turned to leave.

"Don't go, the king of the potato people will be cross." The Rimmer muttered looking at Rosemary through his sheet cover.

"Will he really? Thanks for that Mister fruit loop, I'll be sure to have a potato peeler at the ready!" Rosemary scoffed though the Rimmer didn't seem to hear her.

"I'll live forever, tortured by myself." He murmured, pulling the cover away to reveal a messy haired and red eyed Rimmer, with the sacred "H" imprinted on his forehead. Rosemary automatically saluted at the sight of the "H" then she scowled.

"How dare you wear the holy "H"? Remove the power symbol at ONCE you pathetic parasite of a Rimmer!" She ordered adding an insult for extra measure but in response a tear just rolled invisibly down Rimmer's cheek and he descended into mumbling and thinking his thoughts aloud again.

"What I long for – even more than another round with McGruder the boxing champ or the girl who loved me… Nirvanah… pity we were both dead at the time…"

"You're dead?" Rosemary asked puzzled.

"Hologram – class 1… died… a long time ago… I was the template of your race, I created this world using echo accelerator rockets and then your race… your race…" Rimmer spat the word out hating what he had created – as he had created a world of himselves – snivelling conniving weasly people who'd sooner nick your wallet then look at you. Rimmer tugged at his "H", moving his hair and revealing the hologramatic scars where hw had tried in vain over the years he was imprisoned to scrape the "H" away.

"We… we didn't conquer this place?" Rosemary asked, shell shocked to believe that maybe everything she knew – everything in her life was a lie.

"HA! Your race is made from a chicken soup technician how lived and died over 3 million years ago who has in total failed his officer exams 13 times. I kept my underpants on coat hangers and my most useful quality is running away. Us Rimmers couldn't fight our way out of an open plan room where the only other occupant was a small chiwawa called Beryl!"

"Great… if you really are our creator Mister Paxo (reference to chicken soup repairman) –" Rosemary was cut off suddenly.

"What? Where?" Rimmer asked his eyes widening as he dropped the worry balls, which hit the floor with a loud thud, Rimmer meanwhile did some kind of defensive move (Kong-Fu) and shuffled round the room, he then heaved a sigh of relief then squeaked and picked up his precious worry balls and began to grind them again.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, if you're our creator, why are you here?"

"Was hated, couldn't be killed, left here to rot, I escaped, but was always sold back, once I found a secret place a waterfall but I wanted to change… wanted to show Rimmers could be kind… I helped a lost and hurt child – he had a broken arm from a fall… reminded me of me, after bullies had had a go… I helped him…" Rimmer trailed off yet again, another tear rolled down his cheek, but this time it shone in the light and Rosemary saw it.

"What happened?" Rosemary asked a little dumbly, already knowing the answer, staring at the tear as it ran down his face. Rosemary felt a pang of something… Guilt? Sadness? Sorrow?

"The little git ratted on me, got sent back."

"How long have you been here?" Rosemary breathed, anger beginning to enter her heart as she looked at this pitiful creature – she didn't hate him even though he was still one of them – he had grown, was more mature knew about the wider world, she hated herself and the lies she had been told she hated her elders and she hated Rimmerworld... She was brought back to reality as Rimmer answered her previous question.

"Longer than it took for Kit to change his clothes or Custor to read a book."

"Were they your friends? I'm sure they'll come back for you." Rosemary soothed though doubted herself, who would come back for someone like them?

"Friends? They hated me and me them, I tried to get them to like me but they hate morris dancing, risk, Reggie Wilson, James Last, Diesel Engines, 20th Century telegraph poles… they just hate me… and they won't come, too busy changing outfits, cleaning clothes or eating sugarpuff sandwiches to care."

"Eating WHAT? Sounds disgusting."

"Try telling Custor that."

"And you definitely don't think they'll come?"

"If they were gonna travel the few hours in their point of view they surly would of arrived by now, it feels like 6 millennia, never mind 6 centuries.." Rimmer pulled the sheet back over his head and sat on the floor leaning against the door, facing Rosemary through the bars, he began to mumble again to himself.

"Why do we live like this?" Rosemary persisted, pointing to her clothes.

"What?... The 1st clone chose it, from my dictators monologues, he liked the Roman period of time…"

"Romans?"

"A true concquering race that existed millions of years ago… thousands of years before I was even born… on Earth… Well I'm from IO, but Earth feels like home to me… Custor went on about it enough…"

"Where are these places?" Rosemary asked but Rimmer didn't reply though his head was screaming _"I wish I knew!" _he dismissed the thought and began to rock back and forth, humming that song again.


	3. Strangers

**Disclaimer:** No I don't own Red Dwarf or Grant Naylor productions or anything else because if I did I wouldn't be posting fan fictions I'd be getting series 9 and the movie made - with an actual CAT based episode!

Right and here we are for the 3rd exciting instalment of...zzzZZZzzz J/K i'm sure you'll all find it enjoyable but if you want to complain about spellings or consistency errors please remember I copied this up at 2am this morning!

Laura: Ha! it's up! took a while but here it is - and you didn't even have to kiss my shoes... much...

Cas: Want more? Here it is! (obviously)

BFB: Glad you liked the Rimmer/Rosemary dialogue it was quite easy to write in the swing of things, anyway hope you like this now i FINALLY got the chapter up.

Wildfire: Ta for that - maybe all us RD fan fic writers are just good at torturing Rimmer, Rimmer angst, and Rimmer madness.

Alex: There! Now I hope this will get you off my case for a while as I didn't post Reflections part 3 up like I promised but I will soon!

Bex: Thanks for the review, and as we all know how reviews aren't your strong point you can just leave your usual 2/3 word review and i'll grill you on MSN!

And read on...

Strangers

Rosemary wandered out of the palace gates thinking of the curious person and the extraordinary claims he had made in his ramblings. _It couldn't be true? Our race is strong it's pure… it's got to be…_

She staggered down the cobbled street, glaring at the two weasily guards on duty, she quickened her pace to a run, not slowing down till she reached the civilisation boundary line, there she collapsed on a hill watching from a distance as the sun began to set and the hunts began.

She fiddled with her identification bracelet and thought about the other qualities the people he mentioned appeared to have: Consideration, nobleness, vanity, loyalty and many other things she couldn't describe, she tried to picture what these people and the others on that Earth place may look like, but she couldn't, she continue to mull on the thoughts swimming in her mind, till suddenly the sky lit up, stealing her attention as a small craft descended from the stars and seemed to land nearby, somewhere in the woods behind her.

The creator's people! It just had to be; Rosemary scrambled to her feet and turned in the direction of the crash, feeling desperate to reach them before any of her fellow Rimmerworld occupants. She crashed through the bushes and hedgerows, cursing as he dress and skin caught and tore, she winced in pain and grounded to a halt as she arrived in the clearing as the first few drops of rain from an oncoming storm began to fall.

She stared in a mixture of shock and doubt as she lifted her hood and moved slowly towards the figure who was huddled over a blue pod with some kind of hand held item and a bright lantern like nothing Rosemary had ever seen before, he was wearing a kind of uniform, but it was too dark to make out the colour, he heard her approach and turned to face her.

Rosemary gasped again and stood still a few steps away, taking in his lamp light illuminated features, his dark hair, his skin all looked so mysterious and different to Rosemary, she knew she should be revolted – but she wasn't, she smiled impishly to herself and stared into his piercing dark eyes, she felt like she would melt, so many unusual and extraordinary feelings enveloped her at once as the man put his head on one side and looked at her curiously.

He then turned away from her and pressed something on his strange device, it caused his pod thing to suddenly jump into the air and shrink into a small sphere which the man caught delicately and placed into a bag along with his scanning device.

At this latest event Rosemary gasped and fell back into the mud her feelings going from indescribable joy to fear. The man smiled at Rosemary's reaction and reached his hand out which she tentatively grasped.

"My name is Chris Mclaran, sorry for the inconvenience but I appeared to have made a slight error, I was supposed to be travelling forwards not back to the Roman age. – Betty must be malfunctioning again!" Chris smiled warmly as he pulled her to her feet before running a hand through his now soaking wet hair.

"B…Betty?" Rosemary asked confused.

"My ship and time machine she's a new 65th century model – bit temperamental you know?... Hey – looks like company!" He observed pointing at the army that was advancing towards them. Rosemary couldn't believe she had been so stupid as to forget about them, panic rose within her and she could feel the onslaught of an hysterical fit, she released her feelings by screaming in terror and at the decision she had to make, her eyes darted from Chris to her race, in the couple of seconds she had to choose between been a coward and dieing, betraying Chris and being a hero to her people or being a proper hero but still dieing anyway. She grabbed Chris's arm and began to pull him along through the mud and into the woods towards the waterfall the creator Rimmer had mentioned.

"YOU'VE GOTTA RUN NOW!" She howled as the army was coming closer but Chris was trying to stay rooted to the spot.

"Don't worry love, I'll just have a little chat with which ever emperor you've got at the moment, delete your minds, then be on my merry way."

"Are you fond of your head? Yes? Then HURRY UP!" She pulled at his arm and he relented the pair charging into the dense woodland.

"I don't remember Rome being quite like this or the ability for you to understand English!" He panted as he followed the strange being away from the rest of her town's people.

"RIMMERWORLD!" She cried and gasped as she slipped and fell face forward into the rain lashed mud.

"You WHAT?" He cried back through the sound of the storm as he once more helped her to her feet, the two then continued onwards, neither noticing the small band of gold that lay broken in the puddle of mud.

They seemed to have been running for hours but Rosemary knew it was only minutes, however she had never dared look back, the first sign that the army were closer than either had thought was as a javelin flew past her, narrowly missing impaling her left ear. Rosemary wanted to stop and cry but knew she mustn't - couldn't and carried on, barely hearing Chris yell as he turned just in time to duck from another javelin.

"FANTASTIC! I'm on the run from Romans with javelins in the company of an insane hooded woman!" He shouted as they turned into a more hidden part of the wood near the waterfall.

Rosemary scowled at the words, and wondered if Chris had meant to hurt her with them because they had, more than if she'd been stabbed in the heart by one of the javelins. She shook away the thought and once she was certain that the army hadn't caught up to them again she pulled him through the glistening water, they were met with the sight of a cave opening, reached through a medium sized opening in the rocks, almost like a giant cat flap without the flap, (not that Rosemary had the faintest clue what a cat or cat flap was of course) they dropped to their knees and climbed out of the storm and inevitable death and into the dry, dark and dank cave.


	4. Discovery

**Disclaimer:** Don't own owt Dwarvian.

OMG! I can't believe I got so lazy with copying up from my notebooks! Well here's chapter 4 - FINALLY! So enjoy...

Discovery

The Emperor's general scowled at the army as they returned from the hills, finding no trace of the intruder or the deserter, he felt the tears and panic beginning to swell. The Emperor would punish him for this and god knows there were hundreds who would be fighting for his job.

He turned to go find the nearest table to hide under and get suitably drunk before attempting to face the Emperor, but was grabbed by the arm by a young man from the Risk Division.

The drenched man did the compulsory salute to superiors and held out his hand. The general reached out and took the small band of gold, to identify people everyone has an individual first name that was imprinted on a basic gold bracelet.

The general fingered the bracelet delicately and called for more light. He gasped then smirked as he saw the name Rosemary imprinted in the bracelet with the broken catch.

The Emperor would be annoyed, the crafty little bitch had had a good future of tricking her way to the top, she had been so ruthless and conniving but now she was showing compassion to the defect from the sky.

If the thought of the chase and punishment wasn't so thrilling he would have thrown up in disgust.

The general continued to smirk as he walked through the rain, back to the village to break the "sad" news about Rosemary to the Emperor. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't notice the young soldier (Reggie Rimmer) looking smugly at him and pulling faces, whilst grasping the general's watch tightly between his freezing fingers.


	5. Raw Emotions

**Disclaimer:** This is kind of stupid - it's pretty obvious I don't own them!

Right hmmm well it's been a while and I know I was gonna put this and my other stories except the Cat/Kira stuff on hold for a bit but I think it's about time I continued with this story... So enjoy, and feel free to kill me at the end - I wanted to by the time I finished writing this chapter.

Raw Emotions 

"Smeg! Oh my GOD!... Just relax, relax, relax!" Rosemary muttered to herself as she circled the cave hysterically. She gulped and forced herself to calm down and stand still; she looked over at Chris who was watching her sceptically.

"What are you looking at?" She hissed as she began to pace round the cave again.

"A psycho by the looks of it." Chris replied as he placed the light on the floor and began to fiddle with "Betty's" controls.

Rosemary snorted then pointed accusingly at the light. "For the love of Jane put that light out!"

"Like they can do much to us here! They probably can't even see it!" Chris argued as he continued to mess with the controls.

"You won't be saying that when they come up here and spear you to death!" She spat back.

"Don't be so melodramatic!" Chris responded in an unbelieving tone.

"I'm not! If you don't turn that smegging light off they WILL find us and they WILL spear you to death!" Chris mulled this over for a second and turned the light down till it flickered like a candle..

"Better?"

"Much… If they DO find us, don't expect any help from me! I could still escape from this… I'll say you kidnapped me or something!"

"You're just full of loyalty." Chris scoffed as he rolled his eyes.

"Forgive me for not wanting to die!" Rosemary retorted sulkily.

"Whatever, I wouldn't need you help ANYWAY!"

"Fine." She scowled, stomping towards the cave opening, wondering if she could make it back before anyone noticed she was missing and realise what she'd done.

Chris grabbed her arm tightly and twisted her round to face him. Her hood fell down in the process, exposing her face to him for the first time. Chris gasped in surprise at her features, still clearly visible even in the now dim light.

"Get off me!" She cried struggling in his grip.

"What are you? Where am I?" He demanded, grabbing hold of her other arm that had been flailing uselessly.

"You're… You're – Hurting me!" She moaned ineffectively.

"Where. Am. I?"

"RIMMERWORLD!" She gasped, wincing through the pain.

"When?"

"Now."

"When in HISTORY?"

"Gah-Owww! Look I don't know!" She whined, collapsing to the ground as he let go of her.

"Tell me what you know." He ordered, but in a slightly softer voice than before.

"We were created by this guy's DNA… We're a world of clones." Rosemary sobbed as she raised her hood again.

"Who's?"

"This guy called Rimmer… He fixed some kind of machine 3 million years ago… He died but he is a hologram or something… He's been imprisoned here for centauries… These people… Difters… Dwarfers or something were supposed to rescue him but I doubt they will come for someone like him… Like me." Rosemary trailed off and looked up at Chris as she stifled another sob

Chris knelt down next to her, all the negative emotions that adorned his face a second ago had vanished. He looked at the unnecessary bruising that was forming on her wrists regretfully.

Rosemary followed his gaze down to her wrist and let out a gasp of horror. "My ID bracelet's gone!"

"What?"

"My name is on a bracelet – I've lost it! They'll find it, find me… Then kill me…" She trailed off and began to hyperventilate loudly.

"Calm down, it'll be ok." Chris tried to sooth, taking hold of Rosemary's wrists. He watched sadly as she automatically winced with pain and fear.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, letting go, his hands dropping to his side.

"It's ok…" She trailed off, still hyperventilating a little. She paused for a second then slowly entwined her fingers with his.

"How can I do this? How can I be un-Rimmer like? It breaks every rule in the book!"

"Maybe some rules are made to be broken?" He replied softly, closely pulling her to him, he flinched at the way she felt next to him – it was incredible how different she felt to how she looked.

Rosemary tentatively placed her arms round his neck and allowed his soft aroma to lull her like a sedative.

"We can't." Chris murmured, closing his eyes to block out her image.

"Please take me with you." She begged, noticing with sadness how he had closed his eyes.

"I can't." Chris murmured again, this time speaking the truth as 'Betty' was only built for one person.

"This is because of how I look." Rosemary whispered, pulling away and walking over to the corner of the cave, she sat down, almost completely hidden in the shadows.

"It's not." Chris said opening his eyes, he blinked and looked round.

"Have you left?" He asked quietly.

"No." She said softly. Chris turned at the sound of her voice, he picked up the dim light and held it towards the shadows, he saw Rosemary's image flicker for a second. Chris thought for a moment then switched the light off. Rosemary sat perfectly still, her ears on full alert.

"OW!" Chris's voice sounded from next to her.

"Are you ok?" Rosemary asked as she felt Chris's fingers brush against her clothes.

"It's nothing – I just banged my knee on the wall." Rosemary opened her mouth to reply but in surprise made a small yelp as she felt Chris's lips touch her ear.

"Sorry." He breathed as he trailed his mouth across her face and their lips met.

"What are you doing to me?" She asked as all kinds of weird emotions bubbled to the surface of Rosemary's psyche.

"I could ask you the same thing." Chris murmured back. "Whatever you look like you are not a 'Rimmer'." He added as he paused for breath.

"I'm Rosemary." She responded softly, Chris smiled silently at this and kissed her again. Her appearance soon totally forgotten as he became lost in the moment with this curious creature.

Outside the caves the hunt was still going on, fuelled with a new sense of anger as they looked for Rosemary – the traitor. However the pair were safe for now. Unbeknown to them the rain was still beating down on the landscape outside, mixed with the roaring of the waterfall, the flashing of the lightening and the crashing of thunder – All protecting the illicit lovers and their lost cause.


	6. Gone

Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf... this is seriously getting annoying! right anyway I wasn't gonna post this up for a few days to punish Alex but I decided to be nice to Sian and post it afterall... I hate this chapter a bit too... I guess I don't feel totally at home unless I'm causing pain and explosions... Zombies are good too, I must get round to my story with zombies sooner or later...

Gone

Rosemary blinked as she opened her eyes to the harsh light that was streaking through the curtain of water. She yawned and looked around, a look of panic filling her face as she remembered the events of the night before. That look of panic turned… More panicky as she realised that though the lamp was still there, Chris and the weird componanty things he'd been messing with were gone.

"Bastard!" She said as she stood up and walked towards the lamp. She frowned as she noticed a piece of paper beneath it. Rosemary picked it up and unfolded to find one word scrawled on the creased item. – "Sorry."

"Bastard!" She said again, wondering if she would start bawling like an idiot that he left her… But she didn't.

"I guess I'll just have to stay here until the creators people come… If they come… DAMNIT! I really need a table in here to hide under!" She whined to herself before cautiously approaching the waterfall.

Where could she go? What could she do? What would she live on? All these questions flew annoyingly round her mind. I have water obviously she muttered, thinking about the waterfall roaring just outside.

Rosemary sighed resignedly, like the real Rimmer she was now stuck for a very long time, with permanent solitude… and a lot of water.

Over the coming weeks and months Rosemary stayed in the cave, watching, waiting, longing for inaccessible foods and feeling incredibly tired. She also was getting worried about something – Chris may have disappeared but he'd left a little present and it wasn't the light.

Which brought Rosemary back to the present, watching the raids begin, her tiny and weak little baby of 2 weeks cradled in her arms. It was amazing either of them had survived the birth, yet here they were.

Rosemary looked down at her child, she was so different to every other baby that had been born on Rimmerworld. Her skin had the same olive complexion as Chris and her hair was a collection of soft, chestnut coloured wisps that felt to Rosemary like silk. Even her nose was small and petit, lacking the usual 'Rimmer' flaring ability. The most compelling thing about her though had to be her eyes, they had been a muddy colour when she was born, almost grey, but now they were changing into what appeared to be a dark shade of green.

Rosemary had lost count of how many hours she had sat looking into her daughter's mysterious eyes that in Rosemary's eyes looked like mesmerising swirls of cloud and mist.

She knew she should be disgusted like everyone else on the planet would be, but she couldn't, she liked the way her child looked, it made her… special.

It had been especially hard to stay hidden these last 2 weeks, rosemary was sure she would be discovered every time her child cried, bit so far lick and bad weather was on her side.

She softly soothed Nirvana, who she had named after the woman the creator had mentioned, despite the slight vulgarity in which she was referred to.

Rosemary looked up at the wavering skyline and gave a gasp of shock, all reminiscing thoughts forgotten immediately as Rosemary witnessed the descent of a second craft in as many months.

She continued to stare in shook as it flew down into the atmosphere and disappeared into the fog a couple of miles down the hill at the North West side.

Rosemary blinked then gasped again as a fleet of soldiers carrying torches made from wood, moved like fireflies from the village and also disappeared into the fog, obviously seeking out the green bug like craft…


	7. The Final Mile

**Disclaimer:** Seriously do I even look like Grant or Naylor? And if you said YES what you need are GLASSES and a HOSPITAL!

Right well here it is the chapter I've told Wildfire and Bex and others they are gonna hate me for... well they might they might not, it depends, now I'm going to bed it's a foreign complex for me I know but when you start imagining a Danny and a Sayid in your room you know it's time for bed... I tell a lie - I imagine them in my room most of the time I'm just really really tired! (Oh incase anyone cares it is currently 3:30am - I was in bed but I couldn't leave the chapter un posted... oh yeah and I am still listening to Minus Celcius...)

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The Final Mile

Rosemary panted and winced as she streaked down the landscape and into the dark, misty woods. Her clothes were sticking to her from passing through the waterfall and the coldness of the air was making her shiver as she continued to run in the general direction of the craft.

She held Nirvana to her chest, protecting her from the rough vines and branches extending everywhere. Rosemary bit her lip to prevent crying out as a lock of her tangled hair flew out and caught on a branch as she ran. She placed Nirvana gently on the ground then unhooked her hair with trembling fingers.

The sounds of voices caught her attention and there in a clearing she could see three figures walking, the bug craft was no where to be seen, but she was too transfixed with their appearances to notice.

She had thought Chris's looks to be unbelievable but these three were just unimaginable, and what the hell were they wearing? Rosemary picked up Nirvana and nervously crept closer, she had thought Chris strange but she had never thought people could look like this! There was a thing that looked like he'd been in a stampede, and then there was this man with skin as black as night and very strange teeth!

She peered closer and made out the man in between, a kind of short, podgy looking guy in a weird coat, she couldn't see any of them too closely but she was certain that the latter had to be sugar puff guy.

She was about to take a step towards them to warn them when she saw something moving and a group of soldiers ambushed them.

"Oh smeg!" She muttered as she crept forward as far as she dared and strained to listen.

"Take us to your leader?" The dumpy one asked before cringing.

"Oh sir how COULD you?" The stampede guy replied as the dumpy one shrugged his shoulders.

"Let the great one judge them!" the leader of the group said, motioning for the others to lead them to the 'great one'.

She kept out of sight till she was sure it was safe and slowly crept into the clearing.

"Great, now what?" She asked Nirvana rhetorically as she wandered back the way the intruders came.

After a few minutes in a repetitive run, duck, cover pattern she gasped, as off to the left she saw the green ship thing they had flown in. Rosemary ran up to it and stared in wonder before cautiously climbing the metal steps.

When she reached the top she tried to open the door but found she couldn't, then she noticed a weird pad thing, she placed her hand on it and the door opened after it scanned her hand. Rosemary jumped back in surprise, nearly falling back down the stairs but took a deep breath and stepped inside.

She stared in wonderment from all the flashing light stuff to the plate of half eaten sandwiches on a table next to a box of sugar puffs and a 'Scrabble' board.

She tentatively sat down in the chair nearest to her and placed Nirvana in a basket full of clothes. She looked to her right at the sandwich and after a moment picked it up and took a bite of it before screwing her face up in disgust. She then looked to her left to find a hairbrush, a nail file and a 'Scrabble' score book. She picked the latter up and glanced at the two names at the top of the page – 'Lister' and 'Cat'. Rosemary dropped the book back onto the table and wondered what the hell she would do now?

She couldn't save these people! Or maybe they could do disappearing tricks like Chris?

Rosemary growled slightly at the memory and stood up; she walked into the front bit of the ship and was surprised to see a full panoramic view of the landscape around her. She stared for a few seconds then gulped as the 4 soldiers who had captured the others appeared amongst the trees, probably to look for something good to nick.

She resisted the urge to scream and hide and ran back into the mid section, she picked up a pen attached to the pad and scribbled "Nirvana, Rosemary, Chris Mclaran" onto the score book - she knew these people would be back – They had to be!

She kissed Nirvana lightly on her forehead and took a deep breath, wondering if nobility was really her thing before running to the doorway and dashing down the steps, she peeled off at the last moment, narrowly bumping into one of the soldiers and their bloody javelins.

She ran on and on, back in the general direction of the waterfall, if she could just make it there she could hide then come back for Nirvana later.

She turned her head slightly, hoping that no-one had stayed behind to check out the craft but all seemed to be following her – The bounty in exchange for her capture must be great, Rosemary thought bitterly as her pounding feet continued on, an invisible force willing her on.

She silently praised the mist for the curtain of safety it gave her though she had hit many branches and her body was aching from tiredness and many cuts and bruises.

She finally emerged from the wood and began to stagger and stumble the final mile round the hill to her waterfall hideout.

She suddenly fell over a rock jutting out of the ground and fell hard onto the uncaring ground. She wanted to stay, to give up, but something within her moved her to continue on.

Rosemary coughed and crawled to her feet, she knew the soldiers would not be far behind her now, but she didn't care, if she could just make it to the waterfall that she could hear roaring so loudly, she could jump onto the ledge and throw down her cloak into the rapids, they would think her dead and she could take the other route back to the green ship thing… If she could remember where it was.

She turned a slight corner and a feeling of hope surged through her as her goal became within her sights, however that feeling suddenly turned into that of overwhelming pain, and the sight of the beautiful waterfall became darkness as the cold steely point of a javelin belonging to Reggie Rimmer charged into Rosemary's back, propelling the poor creature to the ground, her eyes still staring unseeingly at the waterfall at the hidden sanctuary it contained…

* * *

A/N: See told you you'd hate me... unless you didn't like Rosemary anyway, in which case you probably won't but she is dead people!... I'm not even sorry!  



	8. Unexpected Arrival

**Disclaimer:** If you think I own Red Dwarf you have obviously have been at the Mariwana Gin and require medical help and a strait jacket!

Right, well here it is - the next chapter (Bex yells 'YAY!' in the background for like the millionth time) it's really short but trust me the next one is much longer and full of our crew been... them.

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Unexpected Arrival

The four crew mates materialised at the back of the mid section, with cat looking as disorientated as usual, Rimmer a lot smugger than usual, and Lister in what Kryten would describe as "Panic Overload".

"Guys we've gotta go back!" Lister begged turning to Kryten and Rimmer.

"Sir, we cannot - You are not designed to know your own future." Kryten protested as Rimmer continued to grin widely, his 6 centauries of hell already a distant memory.

Cat meanwhile was staring in a kind of stupefied state at the child in the laundry basket, the scent of the child mixed with Rimmer and Lister's long johns was a bit overpowering and Cat couldn't really understand why the others hadn't noticed the kid – Extra sensory nerves or not.

"Ohhhhh Listy! Looks like there's some trouble in store for you!" Rimmer cackled, his nasal laugh irritating everyone present except Nirvana who seemed to be totally unaware of the gang of misfits standing just metres from her.

"Errr buds?" Cat spoke up after a moment, but gaining only Kryten's attention who on seeing the child responded with his eyes nearly popping out of their sockets as he stared in horror at the tiny baby.

"Shut the smeg up Rimmer – Or I will take you back to your people!" Lister threatened menacingly, causing Rimmer to do a double take in fright then try to recover his stance with a glare.

"Sirs?" Kryten questioned, unsure of the reason for the Child's presence and the correct action to be taken.

"You can shut up and all! All I wanted was one more minute! Thanks to you I'm gonna be wound tighter than one of those little planes you wind up then let go, and they go smashing into a wall causing a mini explosion!" Lister ranted, and moaned before crossing his arms sulkily.

"Both logic and reality taking a serious hit today!" Rimmer muttered as he rolled his eyes causing Lister to take a threatening step towards him.

"And I thought I'd gone a bit peculiar!" He added after he had backed out of Lister's swiping distance.

"Guys!" Cat said a bit more forcefully.

"WHAT?" Lister and Rimmer yelled together, the former in anger and the latter in semi panic.

"I think we've got a problem." Cat replied as he pointed to the baby who whimpered and began to cry.


	9. Nirvana

**Disclaimer:** (sings to the tune of we will not be moved) I DON'T! I DON'T OWN RED DWARF!

(Ahem) well here it is, the next chapter, I guess it's not THAT long but it is a lot longer than the last chapter.

Anyway now this is posted for you all (Bex and Alex jump about excitedly) I can go back to copying up the next chapter, listening to Sian ranting on about Mike & Draco, and still been in shock from the double whammy that the Postman didn't arrive till 8:40pm - and he brought a 8 day late birthday card from my auntie Gwen which said 'happy 14th birthday!' - I WAS 16!

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Nirvana

"Where the hell did it come from?" Rimmer asked suspiciously as if somehow the baby was a bomb in disguise.

"Rimmer! Surely you don't need a lecture on the birds and the bees?" Lister smirked, trying to make light of this… unexpected situation.

"You know what I mean you gimboid!"

"Well Rimmerworld - Obviously!"

"Thank you for that piece of useful knowledge Lister! WHY is it here?"

"Well how the smeg should I know?" Lister replied sullenly. "OH MY GOD!" He exclaimed a moment causing everyone else to jump in shock.

"What?"

"Somebody took a bite out of my Sugar Puffs sandwich!"

"But we don't know anyone suicidal!"

"Errrr guys, I hate to break up this… thing, but smeghead look-alikes are heading this way." Cat interrupted as the smell of the 4 soldiers and the scent of death entered his nostrils.

Cat bristled momentarily as he connected the scent of the deceased person with that of the kid in the basket.

"Let's get out of here." Rimmer said, his voice raising a couple of octaves in panic at the thought of meeting his clones and captives again.

"A most sane suggestion sir." Kryten voiced as he followed Rimmer and the Cat into the cockpit and the three began takeoff procedures.

Lister tentatively picked up the Nirvana and tried to cease her crying by rocking her gently.

"What do we do about the kid?" Lister asked as he walked into the cockpit bringing.

"Gag her?" Cat asked as Starbug's engines burst into life

"I'd second that… How'd you know it's a she?" Rimmer asked frowning.

"Hello! Extra sensitive nose here!" Cat sighed as he manoeuvred the craft back through the planet's atmosphere and back into space.

"You know for a Rimmer she doesn't look like you – and I've seen your baby pictures - You were one ugly baby!" Lister observed, watching happily as Rimmer's angry face grew as red as Nirvana's was due to her crying.

"I agree sir, and here such unusual looks are punished with death." Kryten added as he stood up from his seat and Cat engaged the auto pilot.

"We can't keep it!" Rimmer protested as if he were talking about a pet goldfish or lemming.

"Have a heart Rimmer! It's your fault this place exists – your mind is defective or something!" Lister replied as he walked back through to the mid section and sat down in his chair.

"You only just worked that out?" Cat scoffed as he, Kryten & Rimmer followed Lister through.

"I didn't have anything to do with that!" Rimmer argued crossly as he folded his arms.

"Oh so Rimmerworld just MAGICALLY appeared is that it?" Lister retorted, shaking his head, not noticing that despite the emphasise on the 'magically' he and everybody else were already shouting, due to the rather loud noises been emitted from Nirvana.

"Well I don't… What's this?" Rimmer asked as he broke off at the beginning of a rant to pick up the score book.

"Just our scrabble scores."

"No – It's a note!" The others gathered round at Rimmer's revelation, to read the 'note'

"Nirvana, Rosemary, Chris Mclaran." Lister recited as he read the names.

"I remember a Rosemary..." Rimmer said after a moment.

"…Well?" Lister asked as he waited for Rimmer to continue.

"She talked to me in the cell… I think… I thought I dreamt it…"

"And I suppose this kid is a dream and all?" Lister scoffed as he passed the Nirvana to Kryten and moved to the far side of the mid section where he and Cat stood, grimacing.

"Well I wish it was…"

"Sirs, it seems to me that Rosemary is one of the inhabitants of Rosemary world, Nirvana is the name of this child, a name which Mister Rimmer must have mentioned during a delirium in reference to his ex girlfriend, which leads to the conclusion Chris Mclaran is the foreign DNA that makes this child individual – he is the father." Kryten finished his speech and waited for the usual looks of confusion and admiration, but none came.

"Hell even I got that one bud!" Cat said as he rolled his eyes.

"I was just clarifying sir." Kryten said in a hurt manner.

"I only need one thing clarifying." Lister asked grumpily.

"What's that sir?"

"Was it this herb person that ate some of my sandwich?"

"Lister no-one cares about your smegging sandwich!"

"I CARE!"

"Lister, we are in the middle of deep space with a kid we can't take back to Rimmerworld because it will be killed and a father we quite frankly – have no idea who or where he is!" Rimmer shouted over the din, his nostrils flaring so much you could see every single hair in his nose – not a pretty sight.

"I thought you didn't care and wanted to get rid of her?" Lister mocked as he took another step backwards and tripped over a box.

"I don't care!" Rimmer protested weakly.

"Liar." Lister muttered as Cat covered his ears and backed into the cockpit.

"This is more painful than Hammond Organ music!" The feline moaned as Lister tentatively took the child from Kryten.

"We got some milk or something?" Lister asked as he screwed up his face, resisting the urge to drop or strangle the howling misty emerald eyed kid in front of him.

"We have some limited supplies sir, but I highly doubt they would last longer than a month." Kryten answered sadly.

"That's ok, we can water it down with larger." Lister said as he held Nirvana at arms length in case she peed on him like that time he'd tried to feed Hannah - his father's dog, a worming tablet.

"Well hark at mother Lister! You can't give alcohol to a baby!" Rimmer said turning this statement that had seemed so shocking – even by Lister's standards, into a sarcastic retort, giving Rimmer temporary moral high ground.

"Sure you can! – What about Babysham and Alcopops?" Lister replied sincerely.

"Are you smegheads going to stand here arguing all day or what? We have to shut that thing up and get some peace eventually!" Cat shouted with venom as he shut the cockpit door behind him.

"What's wrong with him?" Rimmer replied sarcastically as the crying grew louder in volume.

Lister thankfully handed the child back to Kryten as he came in from the kitchen holding a mug of milk and a plastic funnel. Lister sighed incredulously – Rimmer had got them into some strange predicaments before, but this had to take the biscuit – Smeg, never mind one biscuit - this took the whole packet!

As the crying slowly subdued everybody breathed a sigh of relief.

After a moment the cockpit door opened and Cat appeared in the doorway, pieces of tissue hanging out of each ear.

"Thank God for that... Now what?" Cat asked as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Find this Chris guy I guess." Rimmer answered as he folded his arms again.

"What?" Cat shouted as he took the tissue out of his ears. Rimmer shook his head – So much for magnified hearing.

"I said we need to find this Chris Mclaran person, you poor excuse of a feline!"

"And why do we need this Chris dude, oh wonderful creator of cretins?" Rimmer smiled smugly till Cat's statement and insult rang a little bell of anger in his mind.

"Because puss-in-glitter – this 'dude' must be a time traveller – We find him, we can unload this kid… Nirvana." Rimmer's tone seemed to soften, but only momentarily as he said the name of the woman he had loved and the child who by a rather scary fluke – shared his DNA.

"Well just how are we gonna find him then?"

"…We'll think of something… Kryten?"

"Sir I quite frankly have no idea." Kryten admitted as he forcibly handed Nirvana to back to Lister and went to go wash up the mug and funnel before going to search for more milk supplies.

Lister and the others just looked despairingly at the newest member of the crew. Lister sighed and looked into the child's eyes, before groaning and screwing his face up.

"Now what?" Rimmer asked in an annoyed way.

"It's like worming Hannah all over again!"


	10. Bright Idea?

**Disclaimer:** Do I really own Red Dwarf and everything related to it?... No, no i don't - But I do own my imagination and that's in my brain and NO ONE can take that away from me!... Unless you are a mad scientist with a hacksaw... Or a zombie hunter with a really big shotgun...

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Sorry it's taken soooooo long! I've been busy with school work and stuff - I should be now but I was determined to get the next chapter up before I went to finish off my History.

On another note I thought I'd give you an example of a good thing and a bad thing that happened to me yesterday (the dreaded Friday 13th)

Good Thing: Got an A or A+ on all my GCSE History Coursework.

Bad Thing: Fell down 6 of our 7 stairs because of those stupid pink scary socks my cousin got me for my birthday! I now have a giant bruise forming on my spine, am in lots of pain and I think it made my arthritus in my left hand worse... Then again I don't have to do PE on Monday & Tuesday, so yay!...ish

Anyway - Read on!

Bright Idea?

Lister and Rimmer staggered into the cockpit to find a rather unusually dishevelled Cat asleep in his chair with cotton wool hanging out of his ears – Held in place by stylish velvet ear muffs. Lister yawned and collapsed into his chair, groaning as he pulled an empty mug that Kryten had missed from underneath him. He dumped the mug on his console clumsily, causing the mug to fall to the floor and shatter, the crash waking Cat up with a start. The crash also woke somebody else up as a sound of crying came from the kitchen.

"Awwwww my gawd!" Cat moaned as he ran a hand through his hair, removing the ear muffs and cotton wool at the same time, in one fluid movement.

"Sssorry." Lister slurred with tiredness in response to Cat's moan of anguish and Rimmer's screwed up facial expression.

"Cat squinted at his reflection in one of the darkened monitors and looked closely at his tired face, his imperfect hair, his heavy and luggage carrying eyes… What made him feel even worse was how his precious black suit with the gold tassels was crumpled beyond repair – not mentioning the missing tassel that had got caught in the safety pin when he had been on brown alert the night before.

"I look worse than one of your dates – Look at me – I have big enough bags under these eyes to carry all my clothes! – Somebody please – Send me to a health spa!" He groaned and closed his eyes, trying to block out the sound of the crying that seemed to be getting louder and louder. He opened his eyes and turned round to see Kryten coming towards the cockpit, carrying Nirvana.

"You remember the time I said the best thing about having kids is when they grown up and leave home?" Cat said, turning back to Rimmer and Lister who nodded in response.

"Any chance of it happening in three days again?"

"As she's already several weeks old and been here for two of them – I wouldn't hold your breath." Lister replied sullenly as Kryten entered.

"What's wrong with it now? The cup smashing was minutes ago!" Rimmer grumbled as he inched away from Kryten and Nirvana. He had been trying to stay away from her as much as possible and resented it when she was in close proximity or he was forced to baby-sit while the others slept and Kryten got some downtime.

"Deaf mode cancel." Kryten muttered under his breath, beneath the baby's wails. "What did you say sir?"

"I SAID what's wrong with it now!" Rimmer repeated in an exasperated and tired voice as despite being a hologram and technically not needing to sleep, Rimmer still felt tired and wanted to sleep and dream – he supposed it was one of those problems with his programming Kryten had been talking about before Rimmerworld.

"I'm afraid I don't know sir, she's fed, burped, and no longer on brown alert – In all honesty – I have no idea what's wrong with the little bugger!" Kryten yelled above the continuous drone of Nirvana's vocal chords.

"Great! Fantastic! This is all your fault Lister!" Rimmer accused at the top of his lungs.

"Oh yeah? And how'd you work that one out?" Lister yelled back as he took Nirvana and tried to rock her to sleep, the crying subsiding slowly.

"Well you… It just is ok!" Rimmer blustered as he snorted and folded his arms.

"Right Rimmer, absolutely, you NEVER mess up now do you?" Lister sighed sarcastically as the small, blanket clad bundle in his arms became silent except for her soft, quiet breathing.

"At last – This is worse than watching you give birth… Almost." Cat yawned as he stretched back in his chair.

"Nice to know you have such strong maternal instincts." Lister scoffed as he rolled his eyes.

"Hey – When I have kids they'll be easy to look after." Cat protested sleepily.

"Oh yeah? Why?"

"There'll be a woman involved for a start!"

"Dream on." Listed sighed as he stood up.

"I will." Cat sang as he closed his eyes and put his ear muffs back on.

Lister shook his head and turned to the others. "Sleeping beauty's out so which of you two will look after her while I go change?"

"Why'd you need to change?" Rimmer asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Rimmer, I'm covered in drool!"

"Never bothered you before." He replied with a sly smile.

"Very funny, even I have some standards you know."

"Yes but with you standards usually mean the flag variety."

"Oh I'm in stitches, Kryters?" He asked as he turned away from the hologram and looked pleadingly at Kryten.

"Errrr well sirs I've got to clear up the broken cup and someone has to turn on Howard and keep an eye on Percy." Kryten insisted guiltily as he disappeared to fetch a dustpan and brush.

Lister and Rimmer raised their eyebrows and looked at each other sceptically for a moment. "He's lost it." Rimmer muttered after a small silence, Kryten returning a few seconds later.

"Who's Howard and Percy, Krytes?" Lister asked as he gently rocked Nirvana.

"What sir? Oh yes, Howard the washing machine and Percy the iron – I find the electrical equipment much more agreeable with identities." Kryten explained as he began to clear up the shards of broken pottery.

"…Oooooookay, well that just leaves you Rimmer." Lister stated as he pushed Nirvana into Rimmer's arms and jogged out of the cockpit before he had a chance to object.

Rimmer scowled crossly, so far he had completely managed to baby sit her without having to hold her, (mostly by staying in soft light form) and he knew why he recoiled at having to hold her – He hated physical contact, he liked to keep a barrier around himself – It was always easier, but she reminded him of pain and suffering. This innocent little thing reminded him of Rimmerworld, what he'd gone through, what he could have been, what he wanted to forget...

He bit his lip and frowned as he wondered if he ever could have changed like Nirvana's mother had… He didn't think he could really, he was too old… Well too dead to change now.

He sighed dejectedly and looked down at Nirvana, realising in shock that she was awake and looking up at him with her now clear emerald eyes. He waited for her to start crying… But nothing! – She even seemed content!

Kryten looked over and noticed Nirvana's consciousness and seemingly happy demeanour. "She must recognise a bond between you and her mother." He observed quietly as he brushed up the last of the debris and stood up.

"Well thank you Trisha! Haven't you got irons called Percy to council?" Rimmer snapped grumpily.

"Sir! I think that's a tad inconsiderate! Percy's problems are just… Well… They are… I'll just go…" He mumbled as he realised what he was saying. He shuffled out of the cockpit and disappeared into the kitchen.

Rimmer sighed again but noticed that he was starting to feel more relaxed. He scowled at Nirvana, though in response she just gurgled and smiled. For a moment Rimmer smiled back as well, but then dismissed her expressions as wind and scowled again.

After a few minutes of listening to Cat's quiet, even breathing, and Nirvana's soft cooing Rimmer felt himself drifting off to sleep for the first time in days.

He smiled in his slumber as he saw an image of a woman in the distance, surrounded by light. He ran towards her but she turned away before he was close enough to see who she was. He continued to run – So close now, he could hear his name been called in the air. He stopped beside her and stretched out his hand to touch her and…

"RIMMER!" Lister hissed as loud as he dared so as not to disturb Nirvana whilst shaking Rimmer's shoulder.

Rimmer jolted awake and looked up at Lister who had a grin plastered across his tired and ragged face. A cleanish shirt – The one with only 2 gravy stains and some mashed potato was half on, half off and he seemed as excited as a kid at Disney Land – Before they ate too much and threw up on a roller coaster.

"You complete and total GIT! I –" Rimmer began but was blocked by Lister as he began to babble.

"I've got a plan!" He blurted out as Cat yawned and opened his eyes sleepily.

"Is it a 'smeg us off so much we whack you with a sledgehammer' plan?" Rimmer hissed grumpily.

"Haven't you too ever heard of consideration? I'm trying to catch up on a backlog of beauty sleep here!"

"Will you guys just listen?" Lister said in a now exasperated manner as he pulled his other arm through the shirt and picked out one of his jackets as Kryten came in carrying a pile of washing.

"I know how to send Nirvana to her father!" Lister stated proudly, grinning proudly again as everyone stared in shock and hope as the news began to sink in…


	11. Maybe Not

**Disclaimer:** Do I own Red Dwarf? In my dreams! Along with all my other baybays, and we have lots of adventures... Mostly running away from killer beasts...

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Well sorry this chapter's so short, but I think it deals with the situation ok - and plus I love they way I turned to the Lister/Cat/Kryten/Brainwave cliche around a little - Anyway enjoy! 

P.S: Just read a review for Chapter 10 as I wrote this A/N and I thought I'd share this from Bex's review: "Cat's a former feline" I get what you mean Bex, now you explained that he's more man than cat. I just thought it was kinda funny you described him as if he was a recovering alcoholic or something. Aaaaaanyway, that was my useless observation of the day, so now have fun reading on while I go look for some Distal Gesic (or however it's spelt) for my back pain. (- Stupid Stairs/Scary Socks)

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Maybe Not…

"Well?" Rimmer asked after quite a long pause.

"Well what?"

"What's your plan?" Rimmer reminded as he rolled his eyes and handed Nirvana to a protesting Cat.

"Yeah bud – This cannot go on for much longer! – Think of my beauty routine!" Cat whined as he gently unhooked Nirvana's fingers from one of the tassels on his jacket.

"What, oh yeah! – We could somehow change the molecular structure of the teleporter using the data we've collected and turn the ship into like a time machine so we can go search for this Chris guy!" Lister grinned and waited for lots of enthusiasm for the so simple an idea, followed by all the sciency stuff from Kryten, though got a completely unexpected response;

"Sir, an ingenious plan with just two drawbacks." Cat looked up in shock at Kryten – HE hadn't said anything dumb yet… He didn't think so anyway.

"One, it's impossible as – No Mister Cat, I'm not talking to you – It's impossible because of our limited technology and if we attempted to do what you propose now – We would all be turned inside out and explode simultaneously due to the unstable velocity and mass balance between the teleporter and Starbug. And two – The rest of us are not as mad as you appear to be!" Kryten then turned away, partly from shame of not been able to side with the human, and partly because a third reason was that he didn't want to die before he'd finished folding the laundry.

At the exact same moment of Kryten's turning, Lister blinked at being given the stupid treatment, while Cat blinked at not.

"I dunno what you just said but it was probably so stupid I should have said it!" Cat observed after a moment.

"It was just an idea!" He defended, smiling sarcastically at Cat.

"Yeah and if you want yourself killed, that's fine, but don't bring us into it – I for one don't want to be splattered across the universe thank you very much!" Rimmer said, flaring his nostrils and smiling smugly.

"Alright! Keep your 'H', groinal attachments and crocodile skin shoes on!" Lister urged feeling quite angry – At least he was trying to do something!

"It's alligator." Cat corrected knowingly, playing 'juggle the baby' as he stood up. He passed Nirvana to Lister and mumbled something about changing into a tassel free suit as he left the room.

Lister watched as the others followed, he wanted to shout something out – But what? He looked down at Nirvana who was beginning to whine and gurgle in his arms. "You can shut up and all!" He warned though his voice was jaded and lethargic – All his anger and frustration gone, like a dog abandoning its master.


	12. Broken Sleep

**Disclaimer:** Yes, that's right - I own Red Dwarf! Giggles You are so gullible!

Well lookie here people! The next chapter of Perfect Defect! I know its REALLY short, but the next chapter is going to be VERY long... I apologise for this chapter's crapness though, and also apologise for the crapness of all future chapters till the story's end.

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Broken Sleep

Lister, Cat and Rimmer were enjoying a rare chance to sleep for more than two hours at a time and in shifts when Kryten came bursting in with Nirvana under one arm and a dirty nappy under the other.

"Sirs! Come quick!" He cried, though only gaining groans, moans and a 'Coming mummy, just feeding the lemming!'

"Sirs, this really is quite urgent!" Kryten protested the re-usable nappy in the Haz-Mat container next to Lister's socks.

"Sure bud, we'll deal with it – Preferably in 5 hours with orange juice and pancakes." Cat suggested from under his covers.

"What is it that's so important Bog-Bot 5000?" Rimmer asked sarcastically asked as he rolled over.

"Yeah Krytes – Me and Kristine were enjoying a nice game of tennis!" Lister added, groaning sleepily as he sat up.

"Tonsil tennis more like." Rimmer muttered under his breath.

"Sirs please! We've picked up a ship on the scanners."

"Eh?"

"Do we know who?"

"At a guess I believe it is the Enlightenment, however at this range it is impossible to tell and could very easily be another Holoship... But the statistics say it's much more likely to be the Enlightenment than anything else." Kryten finally managed to say – Instantly getting Rimmer's full attention, though Cat and Lister just responded by groaning again.

"Great, just great! – Goal Post Head can go off with the cute Nirvana, while we get stuck with the drooling, crying one!" Cat moaned as he too stretched and sat up.

"Who says you don't get any breaks?" Lister scoffed as Rimmer grinned, stood up, and walked to the middle of the room as the familiar, and transfixing blue search light attracted him like a moth to a bug electrocution light.

Then Rimmer disappeared, leaving the others in complete silence…


End file.
